Release Date: 8 Nov 1996
Run Time: 97 minutes
Origin: USA
Mimi's Rating: 2 magic crystals out of 5
When a not-so-nice millionaire hits his head while disguised as Santa, a mall elf convinces him that he is the real deal.
Santa with Muscles is a Christmas-themed vehicle for 80s wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan. The story follows an arrogant millionaire, Blake Thorn, who learns the real meaning of Christmas thanks to some zany misadventures.
We start with Thorn pretending to assault his mansion and fighting his house staff for his sick amusement. This is something they do on the regular, I guess. I hope that one guy got a bonus for being tossed off the balcony. I did enjoy the interactions with the Chef, Butler and Driver they were pretty funny and had some good lines during these scenes. After this invigorating morning brawl, Thorn declares he has work to do and rides off with some lackeys for an intense game of paintball. Somehow this leads to an across-town police chase which ends at the local mall. Fleeing the police (one notably played by Clint Howard), Thorn enters the back rooms of the mall where he comes across a Santa suit. At the same time, mall elf Lenny (Don Stark) is being threatened over the phone for his outstanding debts. The mall Santa is missing and Lenny is offered fifty dollars to find a replacement, quick. So, when Thorn, now decked out as Santa, falls down a garbage shoot and loses his memories; Lenny convinces him that he is the real Santa. And when Lenny finds out that Thorn is richer than rich; so begins his journey to rob him blind.
The scene where Thorn is meeting kids at the mall as Santa is cute enough. It leads into a fun fight scene where Santa beats the snot out of some would-be thieves. However, this scene did have some erroneous use of a stunt double for Hogan. The guy looks nothing like Hogan, it's hilarious. I also liked when after this scene, Thorn sees a sign for a children's charity and reacts like an activated sleeper agent. "Must help the children...".
This leads into the rest of the plot, which involves Thorn-Santa helping an orphanage that is being targeted by evil scientists who want to harvest the magic crystals that are underneath. Yeah, it's crazy-town. The evil scientists are led by the nefarious Ebner Frost and they are the most cartoonish villains you could want. The whole movie I was asking "What even is this plot?". It's such an odd choice for villain motivation.
So, Thorn and Lenny end up at the orphanage where they meet the children, Sarah (played by a young Mila Kunis), Elizabeth and Taylor. They also meet Leslie (Robin Curtis of Star Trek III and IV fame) and Clayton (Garret Morris who played 'Chocolate Chip Charlie' in The Stuff) who run the orphanage. Thorn bonds with the children and even gets a snazzy new Santa getup. He also learns that he grew up at that same orphanage! Then through the power of beating up henchmen, Thorn learns to love and Christmas and the orphanage are saved. Oh, and Lenny learns a lesson too, I guess. Thorn turns his gaudy mansion in the new orphanage after the magic crystals exploded the last one and we all have a big laugh at the evil scientists toiling in prison. Merry Christmas everybody!
There was enough enjoyable stuff in this movie to keep it from really falling off into the poop pile. Plenty of little funny moments and I even laughed out loud once. The Hulkster smashes down a door and Clayton sitting on the other side says "All you had to do was knock". The line delivery by Garret Morris was just perfection. Don Stark as the unscrupulous Lenny was amusing. The child actors were tolerable, which is big for this kind of movie. Sadly, Hogan's in-the-ring charisma seems to have been left in the ring because he certainly wasn't bringing it in this film.
Bonus: I have to mention how the set for the magic crystal cave looked just like a set from Star Trek: TOS.
Why you should watch:
You're a Christmas maniac and a Hulkamaniac.
It's a Hulk Hogan Christmas movie, what more do you want?
Why you shouldn't watch:
Hogan isn't bringing his A-game.