Release Date: 1 March 2004
Run Time: 89 minutes
Origin: USA
Mimi's Rating: 2 1/2 scalpings out of 5
Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cottonmouth Joe?
Skeleton Man is the story of a bloodthirsty, horseriding, portal-hopping skeleton. When an archaeologist digs up some indigenous artifacts, he accidentally pisses off the Skeleton Man. Skeleton Man kills the archaeologist, his assistant and a bunch of other randos before our movie cuts to the climax of another movie. This movie opens with some drunkenly wobbling helicopter footage, and we find out Skeleton Man has killed most of an ambiguous military group. After Skeleton Man stalks and kills the last two survivors using his Predator vision, the movie cuts again. This cut brings us to the start of our actual movie. In this movie, we are introduced to an ill-defined group of Special Forces who are "undercover" (a smart way to save money on costumes) and searching for survivors from the first movie that we didn't get to watch. Our intrepid Special Forces group now wanders around the forest, getting picked off by Skeleton Man. When he's not busy killing these dum-dums, Skeleton Man also causes chaos by messing with traffic. Oh, and our commandos meet a racist caricature while roaming the woods who expositions the origin story of Skeleton Man. It turns out that Skeleton Man is Cottonmouth Joe (insert Banjo music here), a man who massacred the racist caricature's tribe and now wanders the land killing people... for some reason. I don't know. The movie doesn't waste much time with explanations.
Will our elite Special Forces group defeat Cottonmouth Joe? Find out in: Skeleton Man!
This movie does not waste time. Within 5 minutes, you get your first taste of skeleton action. Skeleton Man absolutely trashes this archaeologist guy's room and then pulls a skull from his torso (don't question it). Later, we get Skeleton Man impaling a dude and then scalping him. It's pretty awesome stuff, and Skeleton Man's kill count is sky-high. He even shoots down a helicopter with an arrow. It's low-budget, made-for-TV garbage, but they knew what to spend their budget on. They hired two familiar faces (Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien) and then spent the rest of the money on explosions and gore effects. At the end of the day, it's a Predator rip-off with an equestrian portal-hopping boneman. And if that doesn't make your ears perk up, I don't know what to tell you.
Now as for all the characters who are not Skeletons, I felt no connection to any of them. Even Michael Rooker seemed to be just sleepwalking his way through the plot. A real shame. Some over-the-top performances would have kicked this up a notch. As it is, the cast is just fodder for Skeleton Man. At least the movie's R-rating and decent gore effects help to make watching these bland nobodies get merked entertaining.
So, if you're in the mood for some mindless slaughter and things going boom, why not give Skeleton Man a go?
Why you should watch:
You like horror movies with high kill counts and decent gore effects.
You don't need your horror movie to have a story or make any sense at all.
Skeleton.
Skeleton on a horse.
Why you shouldn't watch:
You need your horror movie villain to have an actual motive and personality.